He Whom I Love In Secrecy
by AuroraLilac
Summary: "Promise me you will never be with Hiccup Haddock. Promise me this, Astrid." Astrid gave her a small, nervous nod, trying to convince herself she was not madly in love with her best friend's ex-boyfriend. "I-I promise." And thus began a tale of stolen moments and longing from afar. Rated M in future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Astrid should have known better than to move in together with people who were in a relationship. It might work out fine in sitcoms but real life was a whole different story.

It had been Heather's own idea, wanting to keep both her best friend and boyfriend close by. So Astrid didn't give it much thought. She and Hiccup were already friends, they would get along fine.

Except for one teeny tiny detail.

Astrid was _immensely_ attracted to Hiccup. _Her best friend's boyfriend._

She had tried her best to deny it for years, fight the crush and even attempt to date other people, but nothing worked. The more time she spent in his company, the more she realized she _wanted_ him and only him. But she couldn't have him. He wasn't hers, he never could be.

So what if he had a special smile he always reserved for her? Or how he called her Ast? Or when he sometimes teasingly referring to her as 'Milady' since The Princess Bride was her favorite movie. It didn't mean anything. He was just being playful and friendly. She was a childhood friend and he probably saw her as a little sister.

For a long time, that is what Astrid had convinced herself. Until one fateful night when _everything_ changed.

Hiccup and Heather had broken up after Hiccup returned back from a family trip. They had tried to live together as friends for a few weeks but when Heather got a new boyfriend it was no longer an option. Their fights escalated and Hiccup eventually decided it was time to move out.

Astrid offered him her assistance since he was rather hopeless at packing. They put on music in the background and joked around as they usually did. Things were almost back to normal until she realized she could still see the heartbreak written over his face. It made her own heart clench. He still loved Heather, nothing had changed.

And then she mentally scolded herself for hoping he might ever...

She tried to distract herself, turning to attend to a pile of clothes lying on the floor. It was quiet for a moment but then she felt his arms enclose around her waist.

"I'm going to miss living with you," he said, his gorgeous green eyes staring at her with sadness. She felt herself be pulled into a hug and squeezed him back desperately. "Me too."

Every time they hugged it felt like the world around them stopped. Not to mention he felt so good against her. She breathed in his scent and closed her eyes.

But then the unthinkable happened. Hiccup stepped back a little and then he kissed _her_. His ex-girlfriend's _best friend_.

Astrid was too stunned to respond at first but then something inside her snapped and she kissed him back _hard_. All those years of longing and yearning being poured into this one breathtaking kiss.

She didn't realize how far things had escalated until she found herself planted flat on her back with Hiccup hovering over her. They kissed deeply, almost urgently. As if this entire moment was the first and last they would have together. In hindsight Astrid would come to realize how true that turned out to be.

They didn't have sex that night. Heather returned home earlier than expected and confessed that she had broken up with Brian and wanted to get back together with Hiccup.

She told him that she still loved him and that she didn't want him to leave. Astrid watched from the sidelines as the two reconciled, her lips still burning from the kiss she had shared with her best friend's boyfriend just moments prior.

It had been so wonderful and euphoric, and now it was turning into gut-wrenching pain. Astrid fled from the scene and locked herself in the bathroom.

Standing underneath the shower spray, she could not hold back her sobs back any longer. She cried for the first time in her life.

Astrid cleansed herself thoroughly that day. She had to get over Hiccup Haddock. He clearly could never love her, not in the way she wanted. And she could never love him because he was her best friend's boyfriend.

But how did one un-love someone? She wished she knew the answer.

o-o

It had been a year since that game-changing night.

Astrid kept herself busy with her studies and had for last few months looked for apartments near campus. She even considered moving into a dorm if necessary. Anything to avoid having to live with them anymore and pretend everything was just fine. Forget that Hiccup ever kissed her.

It wasn't even that Hiccup and Heather were very lovey-dovey but more-so that they were constantly fighting again and it was driving her crazy.

One day, Heather even told her that she felt like she was forcing herself to keep this relationship going. That she never should have broken up with Brian.

Astrid had remained silent, choosing to stay out of the drama.

Hiccup had lately been sleeping on the couch and Astrid tried to avoid going to the living room much. She didn't avoid him all together because that would raise suspicion.

She greeted him at the kitchen after Heather left for work and he simply looked at her with tired eyes.

"I don't know how long I can go on like this?" he mumbled.

Astrid frowned in confusion. "Is everything alright?"

Hiccup snorted. "I don't think this was ever a good idea." He stepped closer and she felt herself be backed up against a wall. "Me and Heather."

"You love each other," Astrid whispered. "You always have."

Hiccup scoffed at the word. "She doesn't love me."

Astrid swallowed. "You are letting your anger cloud your judgment." Why was he so close to her?

"It was an infatuation, not love," he continued. "Love is not fleeting, it's long-lasting and eternal. It's not something that suddenly fades."

"You love her," she repeated. "You always have, you always will."

His gaze was growing more intense. "Is that what you believe?"

Astrid nodded. "I believe.. you two are soulmates," she forced herself to say.

Hiccup frowned, looking away. Astrid pushed past him then, her heart still racing.

Just as she was about to leave the room, she heard him call her name.

 _Ast_

She halted, looking back at him questioningly.

"There is something I need to tell you.. something I've been trying to deny for so long because I used to think you'd never..," his voice trembled slightly. "The truth is.. ever since we were kids I.. you.. I-"

Her phone buzzed. She sighed, somewhat relieved. "I have to go."

o-o


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I rewrote the last chapter and changed some of the storyline.

o-o

"I'm not moving out again," Hiccup stated firmly, shaking his head. "This is my father's old apartment, he gave it to me and I have every right to live here."

"I can pay you," Heather said in a calm voice. "Blake and I, we'll arrange a payment plan and you can move out by the end of this year."

"No."

Heather huffed. "Why are you being so stubborn? We've talked about this. We agreed to break up on mutual terms, our relationship is burnt out.."

"It's not about our relationship," he interrupted her softly. "It's about me always having to be the one to move out. If you can't handle us living as friends then you should be the one to move out."

Heather chuckled to herself. "Oh, I can't handle it? If I remember correctly, you were the one who always got upset whenever I brought someone over. I never cared if you were seeing other girls."

"That wasn't why I was upset," Hiccup denied her claim with an annoyed huff. "Anyway, things are different now, for me at least."

Heather sighed, pulling on the strands of her braid. "If Blake and I move out, Astrid will have to move out too. It would be so much easier for everyone if one person moved out instead of the other way around."

"Technically, Blake doesn't _really_ live here so you moving out still counts as one person," Hiccup shot back with a smug smirk, foldings his arms over his chest.

"And what about Astrid?"

"Milady is always welcome to stay."

Heather glared at him. "Stay? With.. _you_?"

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Yes. She is _my_ best friend."

"She is my friend, too. We would be fine on our own, we get along great."

Heather shook her head. "No, I will not allow it."

"Allow it? Heather this is not up for you to decide. Astrid is her own person."

Heather scowl only deepened "Are you being obtuse on purpose right now? There are dozen of other girls out there for you to canoodle with, try putting yourself in my place."

Hiccup snorted, unwavered.

Heather sighed to herself. "This conversation is going nowhere. Blake and I will review the contract and then get back at you."

o-o

Astrid was still on the look-out for a new place to live, scrolling through ad after ad to find something she deemed suitable. While she wasn't as desperate to move out anymore, the apartment was starting to feel crowded with Blake's constant looming presence. Since they lacked a third bedroom, part of the living room had been turned into an extra room, which Hiccup was currently occupying.

"Milady!"

"Ah!" Astrid nearly fell out of chair. She glared at Hiccup who was grinning from ear to ear as he strode over to the cabinet to grab himself a bowl of cereal.

"Hilarious," she muttered sarcastically before turning her attention back to the screen of her laptop. She heard Hiccup pull up a chair and settle down across from her.

He was silent for a moment and she started to blush under his hot stare. She heard him clear his throat. "Astrid?"

His voice shouldn't affect her the way it did. Astrid forced herself to look up and sighed softly as she was greeted by the most beautiful emeralds. "Yes.. Hiccup?"

"I want you to stay." Did she hear him correctly?

"Stay?" she found herself repeating in astonishment. What in the world was going on!

"Here with me, after Heather moves out."

Astrid swallowed, cheeks feeling hotter. "Heather is moving out?"

Hiccup nodded. "We came to an agreement in the end, well.. except for one thing.."

"And what is that?" she asked quietly.

He extended his arm forward to brush a loose tendril away. "You."

She frowned in confusion. "I don't understand.." She really didn't.

Hiccup withdrew his hand, sighing. "She thinks it would be best if you move out, too. She doesn't want you to stay here with me."

"Uh, why?"

Hiccup shrugged in response.

Astrid felt her heartbeat pick up and started to feel faint as a mortifying thought crossed her mind.

 _Did_ _Heather know about her feeling for Hiccup?_

o-o

AN: For those giving Heather a hard time.. _very few_ girls would be comfortable with a long-term ex hooking up with one of their best friends. It's part of the 'girl-code' that you do not go after your friend's ex.


	3. Chapter 3

Heather was busy boxing up various items when Astrid knocked on her door.

"Hey babe, what's up?" Heather smiled at her. When Astrid remained quiet, she sank down on the bed and patted it invitingly. Astrid bit her lip nervously before approaching her.

"Is everything alright?" Heather asked with a frown, taking notice of the conflicted emotions reflecting on Astrid's face.

Astrid shot her a sad smile. "Yeah, it's.. so it really is over then, between you and Hiccup, I mean?"

Heather's gaze dropped with a sigh. "I guess so," she said. "I thought I would be with him forever, you know? But it just doesn't work anymore. Don't get me wrong, he is sweet and we may have seemed like this perfect happy couple for a while but there was always something lacking, like the relationship was incomplete and running out of time? I started to feel like I had to force myself to love him, to the point of indifference. Which is horrible. Maybe we are both too mundane, there is like, no friction of any kind? Hence, why the fire died out so quickly. Even our fights are so boring now! Looking back, I should have never gotten back together with him. Why did I do that?"

Astrid placed a comforting arm around her and Heather relaxed against her. "You don't have to explain yourself. I just want you to be happy and I always thought he was the key, but maybe I was wrong.." She still found it hard to convince herself that, though.

Heather hugged her back. "At least I'll always have you by my side," she said, kissing Astrid on the cheek. "My sister from another mister."

Astrid snorted. "If it were up to you, you would handcuff me to yourself."

"Don't tempt me," Heather snarked with a smirk. "I might take you up on that."

Astrid chuckled along, but after a moment, her smile died again.

"You want me to move out," she said rather than asked. "Hiccup asked me to stay."

Heather was silent for a long moment and Astrid dreaded she if had said something wrong.

"I just don't trust Hiccup around you," she tried to explain. "He is probably looking for a rebound and he might set his sights on you."

Astrid swallowed nervously. "I doubt it. He always loved you." He still does. She was sure of it.

Heather sighed, shaking her head. "He used to have this thing for you when we were kids. He told me himself."

Astrid's heart drummed. "We were just kids. He doesn't see me in that way anymore." She truly doubted he ever really did.

Heather didn't look convinced.

"Hiccup and I are just friends, and that's all we will ever be," Astrid added for reassurance, unusure wether she was trying to convince Heather or herself.

"Promise?" Heather held up her pinky.

Astrid paused for a moment before taking her pinky with her own. "I promise."

 _I promise never to be with Hiccup_.

Heather smiled brightly and hugged her again. "I love you."

Astrid blinked back unexpected tears. "I love you too," she whispered.

O-O-O

Later that night, Astrid was headed towards the kitchen to grab some water when a voice called for her.

"Ast."

She turned around to see Hiccup looking at her with an unreadable expression from the couch. He sighed. "It's hard to fall asleep so I put on a movie. Wanna join?"

Astrid hesitated. "What movie is it?"

"Princess Bride. You favorite, remember?"

Astrid's cheek flushed. He looked at her hopefully and she couldn't help but notice a distinct sadnessnin his gaze.

If she was going to leave in the coming weeks, it didn't hurt to spend some time together, right? They were friends and he was all alone.

She settled down on the couch next to him.

"It's your favorite too," she added as an afterthought. He nodded, looking at her with a warm smile.

She could never be him but she could be his friend. They used to be best friends when they were kids, maybe they could be that again. No romantic lingering tension, just a platonic relationship.

Astrid stared at the screen, feeling herself starting to nod off.

O-O-O

Life passed by, faster than she had ever anticipated.

She had moved out and moved on at last. The stolen kiss and secret moments long forgotten in the midst of a hectic routine.

Heather got engaged the year Astrid begun her residency training at a local hospital. The wedding was beautiful but left her feeling somehow hollow? Why didn't Heather get married to Hiccup? This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She saw Hiccup looking dashing in a beautiful tux with a date of his own hanging on his arm. Some curly haired short blonde who quirked an eyebrow at her whenever she looked their way.

She shared a dance with Hiccup and hated herself for still feeling attracted to him. He hugged her close and she felt time stop still for a moment. Until someone touched her on the shoulder.

Heather.

Astrid turned around and found herself be hugged firmly. "Thank you for being the best maid of honor!"

When Astrid turned back to Hiccup, he was gone.

O-O-O

Years later after finishing GP training, she finally acquired her medical license. She hardly expected to see Hiccup at her new workplace.

"You work here?" she asked in mild shock after they withdrew from one another. She hated to admit that she had missed their hugs.

He nodded with a bright grin. "Chemical engineering. I work in department of bioinformatics and computational biology," he clarified. "You?"

"The hematology department," she replied in a stunned voice. "I just started last week."

"Congrats!" he hugged her again. "Thor, it's been so long.. I missed you."

She let out a laugh, realizing how much she had missed him too but being afraid to say it out loud for some reason.

Her phone vibrated and she pulled back. "I guess I should get going. It was good to see you."

He cleared his throat, his smile awkward and completely reaching his eyes. There was a hint melancholy in those emerald green orbs. "Yeah.. see you around."

As she began walking away, her heart suddenly started to get all tingly, making her halt just before she reached the door.

Despite herself, she turn around and shot him a beautiful smile. "I missed you, too." How couldn't she have? He used to be her best friend.. and had at one point _owned_ her heart and soul. But that last bit didn't matter, not anymore.

He beamed at her, scratching the top of his head. "Maybe I'll see you at lunch?"

She suppressed another smile. "Maybe."

There was nothing wrong with rekindling a friendship, right?

At least that is what she tried to convince herself as she unlocked her phone to read through the message she had received from Heather, her life-long best friend.


End file.
